Do you hear me now Nick?  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
Dearest Nick,

  I've been talking out loud to you lately.  Do you hear me now?

  Did you hear me before?  I just assumed that you could hear my thoughts and feel my emotions, can you?  have you?

  I love you Nick.  I miss you terribly.  I feel so helpless.

  I wish I could change it all.
 
  Don't be sad for me; feel my love; be happy.

Love,
 Mom

Some thoughts today:

The law of energy states; "Energy can be neither created nor destroyed, only changed in form." This means that we as energy, are now, always have been, and always will be! We never really die.

Only a child knows the beat of his mother's heart from the inside.

A mother scuplts her child's face with a million kisses.

You are Not Lost:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X5cZC5U6dM
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It still doesn't feel real  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
It still doesn't feel real,
  although it's been 16 months;
It still doesn't feel real,
  although I was there;

I remember it all,
  the pain, the horror, the fear;
It still doesn't feel real.

Maybe I can't accept it, or won't
  The panic still grips my soul;

I can't believe it ;
I don't want to believe it;
It haunts me;
My throat burns

Why?  Why?  Why!!
Where are you?
Do you feel me?  Can you?
Will I see you again?

I'm sorry; I love you
I miss you. 
Why couldn't I have a say in this?

How can this be?
It wasn't supposed to;
Why?

I miss you so much Nick


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I am waiting  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Sometimes I feel that we were just unlucky;
  The statistic that got the short straw

This should have been easy for Nick
  As compared to others who didn't have as strong a start

But we did not win; we gambled and lost;
  No one could stop it; it all went downhill so fast

There must be more to life than this;
  there is far too much pain to have so little meaning

I want to feel something; some connection, some hope
  My empty heart bleeds

Should I talk about it? cry about it? or push the pain away
  Does any of it make a difference?

I will never give up trying Nick
  I pray there is more and that you can still feel me
All I can do is wait.  I am waiting
 


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I love you always  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
I wonder all the time,
where you are

Are you aware?
Are you happy?
Do you feel?
Do you think of me?

Did it hurt?
Did you know?
I am so sorry
If I could have done anything,
You know I would

I miss you so much;
I think of you always;
My heart breaks so;
It is so lonely and painful

I tell myself that this is beyond me;
that it is beyond you;
that there is more;
and that it is so wonderful

I cannot imagine the rest of my life
without you in it
I cannot think of it,
  or I cry; that deep painful growl;
did that sound come out of me?

my baby, my son, my life,
you are everything to me;
do you know how important you are?
let me remind you

you are loved;
everything I own,
everything I am,
I want for you.

I don't want any of it now;
it is hard to be here without you;
I wish I could change this nightmare;
I love you Nick; aways know that

I miss you so much
remember that I love you always
xoxoxo
Mom
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Please Help Me. This Pain is too great; too alone  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Someone Please help me;
  this pain is constant and so agonizing;
I can't stop the panic; the terror;
I know it is not healthy for me, but
All I can do is push it away for a short time;

Is that the right thing for me to do?
I need a shoulder to lean on
A shoulder that is safe to cry on;
Arms to hold me, but not looking to get me or trick me.

I miss Nick so much.  I wish so much that I could have a sign
to let me know he is ok, or better than ok
To let me know he carries on and that he understands
all that I tried to show him; that he is not afraid and happy

Please, please, please, if you have been
fortuanate to get any kind of sign or reassurance,
please tell me what I must do.  Am I blocking it out?
I need you Nick;  I want you to feel my love forever.

I want to honor Nick;
I want to do something good in his memory
I want to do right by my daughter, his sister
But I can hardly function some times.
I don't know what my calling is or will be.
the Journey left for me is so long and so hard
to fathom without my Nick .

I'm lonely; I want to meet someone to talk to
Someone to share with and to listen,
with no hidden agendas or expectations
Is there anyone feeling this way too?

Please hear me and respond. 
Nothing else matters but good
I have love and caring to give.
I miss you Nick

Mom Close

Was it the Wrong Match?  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Could it have been the wrong match?
Nothing else makes sense.
The GVHD was too severe;
too unresponsive to medications;
to relentless...

We will probably never know;
and nothing can bring him back

I do not blame; I just wish we knew.


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A year has passed  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
A year has passed in just a few weeks;

Maybe it is easier to push it away, but
  the pain is just as raw;

I'm still searching for a way to reach you

I will forever try

I miss you and love you forever,

              Mom
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I miss my Valentine  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Dear Nicholas,
    This is the first time in 29 years that I cannot give you a valentine.  Remember the twix bars that I've gotten for you for the last several years because they are your favorite?  I wish I could get them for you now.
     How can you not be here?  I miss you so very much.  I am so sorry that I could not save you.  I did not know that it would turn out this way.  I wish I could change it.  I would give anything to change it.
     Theresa said that you said it all made sense now and that everything has more meaning.  I pray that is true.  If you can feel what I am feeling now, you know how much I love you.  Send me your love if you can.  I am listening.
xoxo,
Mom
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my heart hurts so  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
My heart and body hurt so much,
Everythime I think of you, I feel so sad,
    so broken, so empty, so lost;
When am I supposed to feel this happiness
    people tell me will come? 
I'm supposed to feel grateful
    for the time we had;
I hurt for you;
I hurt for me;
I hurt for Sara, and Login, and Shawn and Pat and Sharon
I suffer alone; except for the tears that give me away
I feel better for a little while only because I am
    able to push it away;
But not for long
I want to go to sleep
And never wake up, until I can be with you
I miss you so.  I pray that you hear me.
Love,
      Mom
   
 
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Happy Birthday Nick 1-20-79  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Your birthday will always be special to me;
I wish you were here Close

I remember you  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
I remember what you feel like;
I remember your smell;
I remember the way you always
    leave the bath mat wet after your shower;
I remember your socks turned inside out;

I remember your tons of laundry;
I remember your coat;
I remember your boots;
I remember your hairbrush;

I remember your cooking;
I remember your laugh;
I remember your hug;
I remember your tears;

I remember your long hair;
I remember the holes in your wall;
I remember Vlad and Oden;
I remember raking our lawn;

I remember the fire in the woods;
I remember bringing Amaroq home;
I remember apple picking;
I remember hiking;

I remember our long walks to the library;
I remember your skateboard;
I remember your bike;
I remember the frogs in Latham;

I remember a lonely Halloween;
I remember you in Grampa's garden;
I remember walking to the store;
I remember coming home to you after my honeymoon;
I sure did miss you

I remember rocking you for four hours;
I remember your baby sounds;
I remember your birth;
I remember counting your fingers and toes;

I remember your laugh;
I remember your stare;
I remember how your hands
I remember everything;


I miss you Close

To Honor You  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
To honor you, I get up every day
And take a breath
And start another day
Without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love
With those who knew your smile,
And the way your eyes sparkled with joy,
Full of life.

To honor you, I take the time
To appreciate everyone I love.
I know now there is no guarantee
Of days or hours spent in their presence.

You are the light of my life,
My gift of love
From our Heavenly Father.

So every day, I vow to make a difference,
Share a smile, live, laugh, and love.
Now I live for us both.
So all I do, I do to honor you,
My precious, beautiful child.

- Author Unknown - borrowed from and in honor of Joseph Morrison Close

Do Not Cry  / Knowles (Friend)
Do Not Cry
by Jake George


Do not cry for this warrior when I am gone
I will be running in fields without fences
I will be drinking water that is not polluted

The strength that I lost here will be found
The flesh and bone lost will return in spirit
I will be young and strong again

Do not cry for this warrior when I am gone
I will be visiting our ancestors
Knowledge lost will be found anew

I will truly learn the ways of the old ones
I will learn the language of our fathers
I will help to prepare a hearth for you

Do not cry for this warrior when I am gone
I will be with our brothers, the winged
Our brothers, the four legged and in the sea

The Great Spirit will guide my steps
My path will be true , I wait for you there
Do not cry for this warrior when I am gone

Remember me in laughter
Remember me in the song of the flute
Remember me in the beat of the drum

Dance for me with all your heart Fore
I will be dancing with you
Look in your heart and I will be there

Do not cry for this Warrior
I am still here In your dreams, your heart and memory
I will see you again

Until then.
Until then

Copyright 2002 Jake George (Achgook) From the book "The Red Man In Me"


The Mystical Indian
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I KNOW YOUR PAIN  / Valerie Dicuffa (aunt)
sHELLY I so wish I could say the right thing to make you feel  better, but I know I can't  cause the pain is too deep and I feel what you feel . You had 9 more years to enjoy watching your son grow into a man. I can only imagine my son at 28. I feel how you must of been so proud he must of been a special young man . Family seems to go their own ways and each one of us probably think the other never thinks of their family members that aren't around but  you can be certain not a day goes by that you and nick and Sara are in my thoughts and in my heart.  You or I will never be the same after losing our first born son. we each have another child that needs us, no matter how  much we feel we want to go be with our boy we need to go on for the one that needs us most. we may feel they don't cause of their independence stage, but remember when  our first borns was at that stage, then we woke up one day and they were gone . so remember WE MUST LIVE FOR THE ONE WE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Yes I know how the pain makes you feel like its going to be the death of you, but strength will get us through cause we are SURVIVIORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUNS IN THE FAMILY! MUCH LOVE TO YOU, AND REMEMBER I SHARE AND TRULY FEEL YOUR PAIN!
                                                                  HONEST,TRUE LOVE,
                                                                YOUR COUSIN,VALERIE Close

This Pain  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
This pain is so strong;
It's shocking;
It's so deep, so deafening, so controlling;
I wish there was some good I could do with it.

I am unable to redirect it though;
Instead it attacks me;
Like the graft-vs-host attacked you;
What can I do?

Will it destroy me?
Will that destruction bring me to you?
Or will it just be more pain?
Oh, I miss you.

Giving it to this pain burns;
I feel like I am going to die;
Not giving in to it feels..I don't know
odd, wrong, strange, empty, exploding;

I hate this life without you in it;
I go on because I have to;
I feel so empty and torn;
Please Help me somebody.

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A Tribute to Jean and Joan of Vermont and Central Florida  / Shelly Knowles (Mother)
Jean,
   Our paths were meant to cross on the plane ride home Monday morning.  I am so grateful for the time you shared with me.  You understood my pain better than so many others, having endured it with your sister.  Twin to Twin, sister to sister, we are both blessed to have that and you made me realize it even more.   I feel your sister's pain.  I fear that I am right behind her physically and it is frightening.  What will be will be, I guess.
Joan,
   I don't know you, but I know your pain.  I know your husband's pain.  Stay with him; help him.  Together you can help each other.  You are both trying to find a way out of the pain, but there is no way.  Do not run from each other.  It is the pain you are trying to run from.  The grass is not greener.  I pray for you and Mitch and for Jeff and my son Nick.  God, please bless us all.  Help us heal; help us know that our children are safe and happy.
With my heart open, I pray to you
Shelly Close

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU  / LORI LOCHNER (FRIEND OF SHELLY )
I JUST SAW AND SPOKE WITH YOU AT THE JUSTICE BUILDING A LITTLE WHILE AGO. YOU REALLY NEED TO GET ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS OUT, WHETHER IT IS AT HOME OR WHEREVER. YOU WILL PULL THROUGH THIS. THERE ARE ALOT OF SUPPORT GROUPS OUT THERE WHO CAN HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS. BY GETTING PAST THIS, WON'T MEAN THAT YOU WILL FORGET NICK, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER DO THAT. MY HEART IS FILLED WITH SO MUCH SORROW FOR YOU. WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE THE PAIN I SEE IN YOUR EYES WHEN I SEE YOU. BUT PLEASE, PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL FIND DIFFERENT GROUPS AND LEARN TO LET YOUR EMOTIONS OUT. AND IN TIME, YOU WILL FIND THE STRENGTH. AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, YOU ARE A VERY STRONG PERSON! THE PEOPLE YOU MEET YOU WILL FIND WILL GIVE YOU STRENGTH AND YOU WON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT YOU WILL ALSO BE GIVING THEM STRENGTH! AND WITH EACH OTHER YOU WILL FEEL ALOT BETTER. PEOPLE MAY SAY DIFFERENT THINGS TO YOU ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT....THEY ARE YOUR FEELINGS AND NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL. THEY ARE YOURS ALONE...IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK, GIVE ME A CALL OR EMAIL ME. REMEMBER ONE DAY AT A TIME AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. I PROMISE, BUT PLEASE LET IT OUT AND GO TO THE GROUP SESSIONS. I KNOW THEY WILL HELP. GOD BLESS YOU. Close

Nicholas, I am proud of you  / SHELLY KNOWLES (mom)
Dearest Nicholas,
     Know that I have always been so very proud of you.  Maybe I did not say it enough, but I hope that you know it.  You have always  stood strong to your beliefs, which were forever noble and good.  You radiated trust to everyone you met.  Not just people either, but animals too, even when you were little. 
     I miss you so much honey;  I have so many things that I want to share with you.  I'm watching for you; I hope that I am not missing your signs.  I am trying to come to you in my dreams.  Help me if you can.  I love you and can hardly wait to be together again. 
All of my love and spirit,
Mom Close

Dear God  / SHELLY KNOWLES (MOTHER)
Dear God,
    Why did you take my son?  I need him.  I cannot go on without him.  Please, please, please let him speak to me.  Have mercy on me please.  I am trying to do right.  I need your help God.  Please help me.  Please let Nick talk to me.  Close

Feel Me  / SHELLY KNOWLES (mom)
Nicholas,
     Can you feel me?
     I hope so. 
     I pray that your spirit carries on. 
     I reach out to you, only I don't know how to do it. 
     Do you know how much I love you? 
     The pain in my throat burns and my eyes tear; I miss you so very  much. 
     Why did this have to happen;  I was not ready; I will never be ready to lose you.
     I love you Nick.  More than anything.  All I can think about is you.      Please feel me if you can. 
     I still find it shocking that you are not here. 
     I'm waiting for you; looking for you; feeling for you.
     I will learn how to reach you.  Until then, know how much I love you.
     I miss you.  Feel for me.
     Love,     
          Mom Close