Shelly our pain is too deep  / Valerie DiCuffa (AUNT)
I Know from my own experience that the pain that we endure from  the loss of our sons is what stops us from having those dreams and visitations. I know that deep deep pain is making it hard for our sons to communicate with us . Do you ever wonder why others have dream of Nickand when we see physics why they don't come through . I believe with every inch of my soul that they are doing everything to get through to us. Our minds are so trapped in them being out of sight that we can't capture their souls  I can't meditate because my thoughts our so heavy about A.J  I'm unable to set my mind free of the c and the peace that should surround my heart
They say FOCUS is the key to connecting with our loved ones spirit How does a scattered heart FOCUS??????
When we dream we meditate but i always forget the dream . So when a friend tells you about a dream try to figure out what Nick is saying cause they do come to other people in dreams so that person can rely a message to you from Nick  There dreams are meant for you. I wish we lived closer there's so much we can share but life somehow keeps us apart. You know as strange as this may sound to some the one that had the dream said Nick was with a red head that was his soul mate do you  know that it is so possible that is you. Strange I know but we have many souls I have always believed that my son and I were soul mates at one time for the love we have for our sons is unique and some won't understand the bond we carry
I don't know if you ever read the book 'Never say goodbye " written by Patrick MATHEWS.  It's very comforting. Close

Recent Visit from Nick  / Pat Mielke (friend)
I just had a lucid dream with Nick. I won't go into detail about the dream as it occurred before I encountered Nick but what happened was:
- I was walking toward a gas station that was built at the bottom of a slight incline.
- I leaped forward and floated down the incline about 6 inches above the ground.
- When I reached the corner of the building Nick jumped out and surprised me we kind of grabbed on to each other.
- I was saying "Nick Nick" and I realized my dream-lucidity and he and I kind of spun around together just above the ground like dancers to help me maintain my lucid state attention. NOTE* The word "VISION" sounded in my mind and I understood that what I was experiencing was not a "dream" in some sense of the word but rather a "vision" the implications of this are purely personal and regard my own states of awareness rather than some kind of objective vocabulary distinction.
-While we did this I vocalized "I love you" but soon lost my powers of speech. Nick's body was subtly luminous and he was radiating joy peace and love.
- He suddenly showed me a young woman. He and her were holding each others' hands. At that moment I realized that they had been telepathizing with me (which was why my speech was useless). The woman is about Nick's age has reddish brown hair and is pretty. They were telling me that they were companions (it seemed to me to be in the pair-bonded sense of the word) and shared great love with each other.
- The dream ended just after this. Close

Crying alone and deep breaths  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
I'm crying here at work and nobody knows;
Not tiny tears but hugh, heart-wrenching, uncontrollable sobs;
Does anyone know?   does anyone care?
Oh Nick I'm so sorry.

If they knew, one or two might cautiously come closer,
afraid to get too close in case my pain or my loss is contagious;
Others would probably scurry away, not wanting to get involved;
Not wanting to get anywhere near this.

I wonder if they can hear me in the cubicle behind
separated only by a partial hollow wall;
I'm not trying to be heard but how can they not?
I can hear when they whisper...

So once I catch my breath, I take another deep one,
and I regain my control;
Wipe the tears; fix my face and my composure,
and get ready to get back to work.

But wait! What am I doing?
Why am I doing this?
This crap does not matter!
Nick matters! - oh no, here come the tears again.

Another deep breath;
I've got control again;
I'll tell everyone it's my allergies again;
It's almost time to go home.

I'm so torn, between two worlds of pain and reality;
I don't want to push away what matters most;
But my tears can do no good.
One foot in front of the other; I take a deep breath and go home. Close

The Psychic  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
I visited Theresa Cosco again.  Nothing earth shattering.  idk.  Where you there Nick??????
Theresa said that she saw circles, representing Nick's drawings, I think.  She said that Nick told her he was with me when I drink my teas, which has been my new passion, exploring different teas...
Theresa said that the pictures I see between the photographs I review in my mind are from Nick.  I hope so.
I asked lots of questions and we talked for hours, but this is all I can remember right now.  Is it because I felt disappointed?  idk.
We talked about meditating and doing things to help me get into the right frame of mind to open communication with Nick.  We talked about EMDR and people we both knew...
I know that all I am doing is the right way Nick.  I will continue this path and keep listening for you.
I miss you so much.
I am so sorry.
xoxox
Mom Close

Little Did We Know  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
Little did we know that morning
that god would call your name.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you
you did not go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories
your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you
You are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again. Close

I don't know what to do  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
I don't know what to do;
I can't fix it;
I can't change it;
I can't stand it.

I go about my day,
trying to focus on positive things;
trying not to feel sorry for myself;
always pushing the pain away.

Everyone thinks I am so strong;
Life continues like nothing happened;
But it did! And it was real!
And I can't touch you anymore.

The familiar burn in my throat spreads,
and its hard to keep back the tears;
What's the point of crying?
It won't bring you back.

So many thoughts go through my mind,
I'll never know the answers too;
I guess they don't matter;
Nothing much matters anymore.

I'm not depressed (at least no more than can be expected);
I'm trying to do what feels right;
Its so hard to keep this false face on;
Somebody help me; I don't know what to do.

I wish I could do something that could reach you;
Something that could bring you back to me
Will I never accept this?
I suppose not...I do not want to.

The pain, at least, is feeling something;
I don't feel much else anymore
Someone take this nightmare away from me,
I can't do it anymore

I cry alone at work;
Nobody knows; nobody sees;
Life goes on without me,
I don't know what to do.

Close

The Medium  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
I met Rosemary Altea today. Her reading, although done as a favor to Gary, was good... but it was disappointing and sad for me. I wanted to be blown away. I wasn't.  Should I have been? idk  I wish we could have talked longer.......
Rosemary started by saying that she felt an older woman near me, but we never got to explore who she was. From what little Rosemary did say, I believe it was my Mom.  It could have been  Gramma, but I fell like it was Mom.  I wish I could have found out, but we turned our attention to Nick who was standing behind me to the side.  I reached my hands out to both Nick and the woman, but I could not feel either.
Rosemary correctly stated that there had been a problem with Nick's bone marrow.  She said that Nick kept rubbing his nose trying to tell her something, which she thereafter concluded represented an oxygen mask. I thought she was mistaken but I get it now. Nick was referring to the face masks everyone else had to wear around him at Sloane.  I don't know why I didn't get that during the reading, but it is so obvious to me now.
Rosemary said that Nick told her he could not breathe and he was in a lot of pain before he passed; that his suffering went on for a while; and he was relieved when he passed.  Of course this was very hard for me to hear.  If only I could have taken that pain away. I would have done anything.  I'm so sorry Nick.
Rosemary said that something went wrong with the medicines; that the doctors did not react quickly enough.  I told her we thought he may have gotten the wrong match, but she said that was not it.  She said that they didn't correct the problem soon enough or they gave him the wrong medicine.  Rosemary tried to comfort me by saying that that none of this matters because Nick's pre-agreed time on the earth plane was finished anyway -  If only that could give me comfort.  I suppose it does in the long run, but it rips me apart knowing that my poor son had to go through such a terrible ordeal. 
 Rosemary said that Nick came to the earth plane to learn about emotions and to experience the full range of emotions.  She said that he chose me to help him accomplish this.  She said that I have a volatile range of emotions.  Not a nice way to put that, but okay.... 
We shifted to Sara for a moment.... Nick wanted me to tell her that he is her guardian angel and that he is and always will be with her to help her and guide her.   (I told her Nick!) 
Rosemary then chatised for not sharing my tears with Sara.  She felt that we need to cry together, so that Sara can learn that it is alright to cry and that crying helps us to heal.  Rosemary said that I am role modeling how to be strong for Sara too much and that I should cry with her more.  Right now, I don't agree with this at all.  I believe this part of the reading was soley Rosemary's opinion and I think she is wrong.  However in the event that there is a greater wisdom at work here, I am watching for opportunities to speak with Sara about this and see what happens.
I tried to find out if Nick approves my herbal work, but Rosemary just brushed it away, saying that the herbs were for me, not for Nicholas.
I wanted to ask so many questions, but there was no time and I don't think Rosemary would have permitted it.  I left feeling a bit hurt and sad.  I need more
Close

Another Day Without You  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
I got up again today and did all the usual things as I made my way to work;
Another day without you.
Feels so sad so empty.

I put the pain aside and soaked in the light green color of the plants growing on the side of the highway.  It feels like the beginning of a beautiful day.
I wish you were here to enjoy it

Another day without you creeps back into my mind
and I fight the tears
I hate this reality

Trying to focus at work; must focus; must get some work done
But then I think....
Another day without you.
Fuck it all

No you would not want that.  I must suck it up pull my shoulders back stretch and refocus once again
But my throat burns and the tears want to come out

I hope this pain helps me to connect with you somehow
It must........ I demand it.........  I pray for it....
It is.............................It must be.................please let it be so

I will take a short walk now; don't want to spend the entire morning in tears
Time to refresh, to breathe in, and to be patient
Another day without you hurts, but it is not forever.
I miss you
xoxo  Mom

  Close

Dear Mom and Nick  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
   Sherry and I visited Theresa Cosco, Psychic/Medium Consultant on Friday (May 1, 2009).  Our mother was waiting there for us.  Sherry did not understand her messages, but I did.  Mom wanted to acknowledge my feelings during the last years of her life. 
   Thank you Mom.  I appreciate it, but it no longer matters.  I forgive totally and understand.  We all do the best we can.  I know that you love me and I love you.  Nothing else matters.  xoxo
   Nicholas:  feeling anything from you is wonderful.  You said that you are doing something where you are that I cannot understand.  I understand the concept and am happy that you are enjoying yourself.  Your happiness means everything to me.  I am relieved to  hear again that you reached your Spiritual goal here.  It makes more sense to me know that the reasons for your death was a lesson you chose and not meant to teach me something.  Nothing is worth the cost to me of losing you.  I love you more than words can express.  I yearn for the day we will be together again.  You are in my thoughts always.  xoxoxo
    See you all in the garden,
  Love,
  Shelly Close

It's Easter  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Here it is, my second Easter without you.
I want to give in to my tears
and let out some of this pain,
but it doesn't seem to do any good

I've been draggin myself around;
sleeping through the day,
feeling sorry for myself;
feeling overwhelmed with nothing

Instead, I will follow Joseph Morisson's mom's idea
and pay tribute to this day instead
For today is Easter, the day Jesus came back
to show that we are eternal;
Please Lord, let it be so

We are so much more than our body
There is energy all around us
Despite our pain, there is laughter
and sunshine and light

I am going outside into today's light
to look for you
to get off this couch
to feel you

Happy Easter my darling
I love you so much
Mom Close

Time Keeps Passing  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Time Keeps Passing
and I hate it.
Nothing is any good
because I can't share it with you

I can't watch you enjoy anything
you can't watch Sara
Sara can't watch you.
and I hate it.

I feel the time passing
such a dull ache and sadness
you feel so far away,
but it was just yesterday

I still feel your energy in your eyes
I can sense you
I'm I grasping at a memory?
You are such a part of me.

How did this happen?
I wish we had more time.
I want to talk to you like we used to
I don't want time to pass.

Close

Two Years  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
Its been two years since that horrible day;
It still feels so unreal.  I wish it was

I remember everything.  Your face, your eyes;
The color leaving your face; from golden brown to light yellow;
Blood pooling in your feet and legs; so unreal, so painful
You lay in permanent slumber while we scurry around your room
packing your treasures.

I did not want to leave you.  This can't be happening.
I felt terrible leaving you there;
It was pouring rain outside; as it should be, I thought;
I was numb; 

I'm still numb, in-between the tears; in-between the beers;
I miss our long talks; I miss your voice
I miss your laugh and your smile
Your big-brother ways;
I miss it all so much

My heart aches; my throat burns
No one notices.
I have to put my pain away now,
but know that it is always there,
always there for you, always for you
xoxo
Mom
Close

Where are you?  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
I feel you in your pictures;
I imagine you next to me;
It feels as if you should be coming home soon;
But I know better.

Oh my aching heart;
All I can do is push the pain away;
And function from a distance;
How will I ever survive?

Where are you Nicholas?
Are you still around me?
Are you in Heaven?
Are you in a void?  Are you anything at all?

I see life in your pictures;
I feel it in your eyes;
I remember every memory;
It's all so bittersweet.

I wish I could change this, all of it;
All all you went through;
All that was left undone and unsaid;
I love you.

Where are you Nicholas?
Please let there be more;
Let you be where there is love and meaning;
I miss you so much

You are my everything;
How can this nightmare be real?
How do I go on?
Where can you be?

I know you would contact me if you could;
I hope you do not feel my pain;
I hope you are in a wonderful place;
and that you are too busy to miss me or any of us

Wherever you are Nicholas,
Know how much I love you Close

Thinking of you  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
I'm thinking of you today Nick, as I do everyday.  Your father and I are working on the cellar, cleaning up, reorganizing and expanding on all the shelves and projects you did for me there.  It still hurts me to touch your tools and the things you have made for me. but I'll push that pain away so that I can finish this job and make it all look so very nice.
I wish you were here doing this with us.  This is your cellar, your tools, your work area, your stuff. 
You will like my herb pantry.  I know that would please you.  I hope to start my new business soon - for you - all for you. 
Essence of Nick is the name I am settling on for it.  I hope you approve.
Sara is 17 years old now.  I can see glimps of maturity starting, although she is still pretty mean to me most of the time.  I guess that is the reward for being the tougher parent.  I don't care; I just want her to be better.  I wish you were here for her.
Funny I should say that, as I had her, in part, because I didn't want you to be alone.  She is strong willed; it will serve her well.
I miss you so much Nick.  I have so much I want to say to you; to share with you.  I wanted so badly to see you find your direction.
I must brush away my tears now, so I can get to work on our cellar.  I nice cold shower should help.
You are always with me Nick.  I love you more than anything.
Mom Close

Merry Christmas Nicholas  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
Merry Christmas Nicholas,
    I spent last evening chatting with Login,
    He reminded me of you.
    I miss our long talks,
    I miss your laughter and wit
    I wish so much that I could change this
    I wish I could undo what was

    I pray that you are in a good place
    Where everything has more meaning
    Where things make more sense than they do here
    Where there is no pain or sorrow
    Where there is joy
   
    I'm trying to make this message cheerful
    So I can reach up and out to you
    It's so hard to hold back the pain
   
    I cannot bear that you are not here,
    it feels so wrong,
    Christmas without you is so lonely and painful
    This pain must have some meaning
    If only to measure my love

    Merry Christmas Nicholas
    I wish I was with you
    I love you
    Mom Close

Thanksgiving 2008  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
It's my second Thanksgiving without you;
it doesn't feel right.
I didn't cook;  Sara wasn't here;
I watched TV all day.

I don't like Thanksgiving anymore.
It doesn't feel good;  it's not the same;
I have to break tradition
in order to make it through.

Last year I went to Pennsylvania,
and ate with Jenell and Aunt Nancy.
This year Sharon did the cooking,
and I ate with her family

Thanksgiving can never be the same
without you here
I don't want to cook anymore.
I just want it to be over.

I know I'm not alone.
I'm not the first, I'm not the last
I don't want to wallow in my sadness
I know you would not want that

So I will continue to break tradition
and somehow trudge through
each painful holiday.
Through it all, know that I love you

Happy Thanksgiving.  My darling, Nicholas

xoxo
Mom Close

My Agony  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
Close

A Mother's Grief  / Shelly Knowles (mom)
A Mother's Grief

   You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you,
You say you have to go.

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see.

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say,
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say,
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream into the phone, My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words I need to say,
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
and watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day,
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen,
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.

I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand,
and let me bare my soul.

Author unknown - thank you Valerie


Close

http://www.youtube.c-om/watch?v=A9F9x09zB-Hg / Shelly Knowles (mom)
Debbie Vicari, singer/songwriter, posted the following video for our cousin AJ, and all who have continued onward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9F9x09zBHg

Thank-you Debbie Close

Safely Home  / Shelly Knowles (mother)
I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
  Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
  In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over,
  Every restless tossing passed:
I am now at peace forever,
  Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly
  Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus' love illumined
  Every dark and fearful glade.

And He came Himself to meet me
  In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on,
  Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,
  For I love you dearly still"
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
  Pray to trust your father's Will.

There is work still waiting for you,
  So you must not idly stand:
Do it now, while life remainineth -
  You shall rest in Jesus' land.

When the work is all completed,
  He will gently call you Home:
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
  Oh the joy to see you come!

    from:  The Priests of the Sacred Heart Close